THE GOOD OLD DAYS
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mom would send me to the store, and I'd get salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that any more. They got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"
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PEANUTS :
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, “Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can’t chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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INTELLIGENCE:
A boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent.
The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.The boy walked into the back room and said, "There’s some jerk out there who wants buy only half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager Okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.
You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota," the manager said.
The boy replied, "Really!? What team did she play for?" :-))
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HAVE YOU DONE THIS!!!
The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home. He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:
"CAREFUL!! CAREFUL!! MORE OIL!! TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW!! WE NEED MORE OIL!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!! CAREFUL!! CAREFUL!! TURN THEM!! TURNTHEM!! HURRY UP!! ARE YOU CRAZY? THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!! USE MORE SALT!! THE SALT!!
"The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me..."
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THE HAIR CUT
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." the guy leaves.
Few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up and says, "Your house".
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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
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Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor"
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